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Analysis: Iowa caucus irrelevant if Bachmann takes White House by force

The Daily Autocrat's top analyst says that Bachmann's setback in the Iowa Republican Caucus could be easily reversed in the case of a coup d'état by which the congresswoman forcibly overthrows the president and establishes a police state.

After placing sixth out of six candidates in Tuesday’s caucus, receiving just about five percent of the vote in her home state of Iowa, Michele Bachmann is officially suspending her campaign for president. More than anything, of course, this means that the war against carbon dioxide, which our country has so unjustly led for too long, will continue unchallenged. It was, after all, Rep. Bachmann who in 2009 pointed out that “there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.” Moreover, a Bachmann presidency would have meant that her five children and 23 foster children could have had as much unprotected sex as they’d like without ever worrying about accidentally preventing pregnancy or becoming gay. She would have guaranteed that no federal funding would ever go to Planned Parenthood and that marriage would be strictly defined as a bond between man and woman.

A Bachmann presidency would have meant that her five children and 23 foster children could have had as much unprotected sex as they’d like without ever worrying about accidentally preventing pregnancy or becoming gay

Although she is officially out of the race for president, one can’t deny that it is still possible for Bachmann to lead a clandestine war against the U.S. government, eventually culminating in a coup d’état which places the White House directly her hands. In the coming months, by building up an adequately armed militia force, leveraging her partnerships in Washington and internationally, and co-opting various branches of the military (most importantly, the Marine Corps), Bachmann could viably achieve a violent overthrow of the executive branch. Congress would then be discharged, the U.S. Constitution annulled, and public property confiscated to be sold via a closed door auction run by the Advisory Board of Corporate Leaders. With a State of Emergency firmly in place, the Executive Branch would rule by decree in order to minimize civil disobedience and maintain order.  The Supreme Court would naturally have to be dissolved and replaced with 4-person Council of Judges whose first course of action will be to appoint a 6-person Democratic Constitutional Freedom Council, which will be in charge of drawing up a new constitution and a more detailed Bill of Rights to better reflect the social conservatism for which this country so strongly yearns.

The Supreme Court would  have to be dissolved and replaced with 4-person Council of Judges whose first course of action will be to appoint a 6-person Democratic Constitutional Freedom Council, which will be in charge of drawing up a new constitution

Both documents will be made ready for official approval via a public referendum the following spring. Following this, the Council of Judges would eliminate rule by precedent, allowing local tribunals (overseen by the Executive Branch’s Minister of Law) to rule freely, unbound by the rigid limitations set by the principle of stare decisis. The Council of Judges, of course, will act as the final judge on appeals and will have the flexibility to interfere with lower court decisions, as dictated by Bachmann and her top ministers.

In short, ensuring rule of law would be the first step taken by Bachmann’s ruling Council of Judges, and the regime would work tirelessly to complete a new constitution that will allow for unlimited presidential terms and which sets the number of congressman to 1 per state, serving in a single legislative house, overseen directly by the Minister of Congress, who among 6 others (Minister of Law, Minister of Internal Police, Minister of Social Order, Minister of Energy, Minister of Internal Democracy, Minister of Global Freedom, Minister of Economics), will comprise the Bachmann regime’s ruling cabinet.

Anyhow, it’s just a haphazard idea I quickly threw together based on sound evidence, political viability, and logistical practicality, but it’s both a reasonable and safe option for Bachmann as she contemplates her political future in this country. If she really wants to prove that she is presidential material, she would do well to leave all options on the table.

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