News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines


PHOTO OF THE DAY: Bill Clinton awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom for years spent being free to do whatever the hell he wants

Bill Clinton was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom today in honor of the many years he has spent free to do whatever the hell he has wanted, whenever he has wanted, wherever he has wanted, with few repercussions and little in the way of repentance or any sense of concern for anything other than his own twisted sexual compulsions.

[VIDEO] Mayor of Toronto either attempting to murder a woman or save her from an unknown assailant

Having totally lost his mind, Mayor Rob Ford gingerly marched across the chamber, attempting to kidnap and possibly kill an innocent old woman.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 11-17 Nov. 2013

Discussions between Russian and Egyptian officials this week involved an arms deal reportedly worth $2 billion and numerous jokes about how the democratically-elected president of Egypt is currently in jail.

PHOTO OF THE DAY: Congress and general public unaware that only federal healthcare site, and not state sites, has a problem

Today’s congressional hearings on the Obama Administration’s faulty federal healthcare website confirmed that both Congress and the general public remain totally unaware that if you live in a state that has set up its own exchange–as initially was asked of states, but which many refused to do despite being offered federal funding–you can buy your plan through the state exchange website, all of which are working fine.

With Hawaii now gay, top 3 honeymoon destinations for bigots

The Daily Autocrat offers three less-known honeymoon spots for lovestruck bigots looking for a half-way decent location in which to christen their as-nature-intended-it heterosexual union without the perennial stench of homosexuality infringing upon their basic rights.

PHOTO OF THE DAY: With everyone dead or imprisoned, state of emergency finally ends in Egypt

The Egyptian government’s ability to make warrantless arrests and search people’s homes has been deemed largely unnecessary since everyone in the country is either dead or in prison.

In dramatic show of restraint, North Korea publicly executes only 80 people for watching soap operas

The recent episode signals a welcome change of direction from the days in 2012 when the regime would very creatively use a “mortar firing squad” in order to blow prisoners to pieces via artillery shell and stands in stark contrast to last year’s public execution of Kim Jong Un’s own ex-girlfriend, who was machine-gunned down in front of her family.

PHOTO OF THE DAY: Blood of senior Haqqani leader shot dead in Pakistan ruins local hopscotch court

Nasiruddin Haqqani, the chief fundraiser for the Haqqani network–best known for its work on terrorizing neighboring Afghanistan–was shot dead today in Islamabad as the result of an alleged family dispute. Until now, he had apparently been operating at ease in the Pakistani capital–which, apart from serving as a haven for terrorists, also houses the government of Pakistan, which, of course, receives about $1 billion annually from the U.S. explicitly to fight terrorism. 

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 4-10 Nov. 2013

Israeli officials have denied any role in the apparent poisoning of late Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat, explaining that once they secretly gave Arafat the poison, it was, after all, his body that processed the radioactive chemical, causing him to then die.

French objection to Iran deal could have been prevented had U.S. just invaded Syria, as France had wanted

A simple, U.S.-led war in Syria–which the French badly craved over the summer–would have eliminated the possibility of talks with Iran in the first place . On the bright side, though, it would have also made France’s eventual scuttling of the talks impossible, which would have been nice.

Turkish government’s collection of intelligence from co-ed dorms probably a great use of resources

In case it’s not clear to the reader, Turkish intelligence officials are watching closely as students have ridiculous amounts of dirty, hot sex. A lot of it.

NEWS BRIEF: Obama apologizes to Americans who are losing shitty, substandard insurance plans

The president has yet to apologize to those Americans who, over the years, have been impacted negatively by laws banning child labor, mandating the use of seat belts, and setting a health and safety code for establishments serving food.

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