News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines


In State of the Union, Obama fails to recognize Egypt’s admirable work promoting extremism

Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, Egypt’s reluctant leader, did not get any credit from Obama for his work on eliminating all political outlets for Islamists in the country–forcing them to take up an armed struggle instead. Really terrific work, Sisi. Keep it up!

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 11-17 Nov. 2013

Discussions between Russian and Egyptian officials this week involved an arms deal reportedly worth $2 billion and numerous jokes about how the democratically-elected president of Egypt is currently in jail.

PHOTO OF THE DAY: With everyone dead or imprisoned, state of emergency finally ends in Egypt

The Egyptian government’s ability to make warrantless arrests and search people’s homes has been deemed largely unnecessary since everyone in the country is either dead or in prison.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 4-10 Nov. 2013

Israeli officials have denied any role in the apparent poisoning of late Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat, explaining that once they secretly gave Arafat the poison, it was, after all, his body that processed the radioactive chemical, causing him to then die.

NEWS BRIEF: Kerry reassures Saudis U.S. shares their deranged, reckless goals

Meeting with Saudi officials, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry explained that the U.S. and Saudi Arabia shared common goals in Syria (where Saudi Arabia continues to recklessly support rebels with questionable ties to Al Qaeda), Egypt (where Saudi Arabia lent its support to the July 2013 coup that overthrew a democratically-elected government), and Bahrain (which, of course, it invaded in March 2011).

Qaddafi’s wife demands rotting corpse of former dictator for who knows what sort of sick, sexual thing

In the latest display of her shameless wantonness, Safia Farkash has demanded that her former lover’s rotting corpse be presented to her immediately.

Shit’s about to get real: Mubarak to be released from prison

Lawyers for deposed Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak announced today that the former president will be released from prison shortly. “It’s like in Batman, where once the city is taken over by Penguin, the Joker is let out of prison,” a spokesperson for the military explained Monday.

FYI: Obama playing golf with Larry David while Egyptians massacred

Despite the deaths of nearly 1,000 protesters in Egypt (Left), President Obama was able to enjoy playing a few rounds of golf with comedian Larry David (Right). Anyhow, we just thought you should know.

Obama shocked that innocent little military coup in Egypt ended so badly

In latest Obama foreign policy success story, U.S.-backed government in Egypt kills everyone

After tacitly supporting a military-led coup against the democratically-elected government of Mohammad Morsi in Egypt last month, President Obama watched as, finally, the military got down to business and started massacring people in the streets. Over 100 were said to have been killed in clashes on Wednesday.

Developments in Egypt raise suspicions that coup may have recently occurred

Amidst fierce street battles, protests, and a growing number of deaths in Egypt, concern is said to be growing in U.S. policy circles that the July 3 coup that removed democratically-elected President Mohammad Morsi from power was a coup and not in fact a new and innovative type of election, as President Obama had originally believed.

Egyptians celebrate lack of constitution, democracy

“We are now free of any document that guarantees our individual liberties or sets any limits on the powers of government!” Egyptians cheered Wednesday afternoon.

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