News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines


With Hawaii now gay, top 3 honeymoon destinations for bigots

The Daily Autocrat offers three less-known honeymoon spots for lovestruck bigots looking for a half-way decent location in which to christen their as-nature-intended-it heterosexual union without the perennial stench of homosexuality infringing upon their basic rights.

In dramatic show of restraint, North Korea publicly executes only 80 people for watching soap operas

The recent episode signals a welcome change of direction from the days in 2012 when the regime would very creatively use a “mortar firing squad” in order to blow prisoners to pieces via artillery shell and stands in stark contrast to last year’s public execution of Kim Jong Un’s own ex-girlfriend, who was machine-gunned down in front of her family.

Turkish government’s collection of intelligence from co-ed dorms probably a great use of resources

In case it’s not clear to the reader, Turkish intelligence officials are watching closely as students have ridiculous amounts of dirty, hot sex. A lot of it.

In ridiculously confusing meeting, Pakistani PM and Obama agree to continue pretending U.S. isn’t violating Pakistan’s sovereignty and Pakistan doesn’t support it doing so

President Obama met with Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif of Pakistan last week to discuss ways in which the United States would continue to flagrantly violate Pakistani sovereignty with drone strikes while Pakistani government officials tacitly support them. The discussion was a bit confusing for both sides.

Peace-loving Israel and Saudi Arabia express concern over lack of U.S. war with Iran and Syria

It makes perfect sense that both Israel and Saudi Arabia would be so openly exasperated by a perceived hesitancy among U.S. officials to recklessly wage war in the Middle East, particularly when you consider how well the many other U.S. wars are going.

Developments in Egypt raise suspicions that coup may have recently occurred

Amidst fierce street battles, protests, and a growing number of deaths in Egypt, concern is said to be growing in U.S. policy circles that the July 3 coup that removed democratically-elected President Mohammad Morsi from power was a coup and not in fact a new and innovative type of election, as President Obama had originally believed.

Plump 20-something North Korean kid actually pretty goddamn scary, Americans agree

Given that North Korea has nuclear weapons, but no feasible way of delivering them to potential targets, it might seem weird to you that a recent poll found that 47 percent of Americans believe that Pyongyang is capable of launching a nuclear missile that can hit the United States, and another 10 percent said they didn’t know.

Transcript of President Obama’s inaugural address

The following is a transcript from President Obama’s 2nd inaugural address, delivered on 21 January 2013, as reported by The Daily Autocrat’s White House correspondent, who has yet to be invited to the…

REPORT: Mitt Romney visibly aroused while discussing war with Iran

On numerous occasions Mitt Romney has failed to contain his obvious sexual excitement at the thought of dropping bombs, killing thousands of Iranians.

Right-wing CEOs lead really unhip and scary get-out-the-vote campaign

See if you can discern for yourself who they might be contributing to, and ask yourself how you might feel were you to see such comments on, for instance, a company newsletter or, say, a letter sent directly to you from your boss…

Fox Newsed and abused

The festering pile of worm-ridden fetid rabies-carrying demon’s breath that is Fox News uses certain tricks to shift viewers’ hearts and minds toward whatever load of humanity-rotting bile they’re spewing in any given week that smells worse than Henry Paulson’s breath after blowing Lucifer every Tuesday.

30 Years after the massacre of thousands of Sikhs, six people will face justice…maybe

The Central Bureau of Investigation began its final arguments on March 31 against prominent Congress Party leader Sajjan Kumar in a 1984 anti-Sikhs riot case. 1984, gosh, that was a long time ago.

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