News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines

Asia & Pacific

Plump 20-something North Korean kid actually pretty goddamn scary, Americans agree

Given that North Korea has nuclear weapons, but no feasible way of delivering them to potential targets, it might seem weird to you that a recent poll found that 47 percent of Americans believe that Pyongyang is capable of launching a nuclear missile that can hit the United States, and another 10 percent said they didn’t know.

North Korea video scary

This video is scary, with a scary voice over scary music. “We are crazy,” the narrator tells viewers. “Be very scared. We are nuts.”

Myanmar’s government lifts ban on having parties

The government of Myanmar has lifted a 25-year ban on public gatherings of more than five people, so please feel free to go out and gather. Come on, it’ll be fun.

U.S. voters take to the polls in country’s last election before 2014 Chinese invasion

Incoming Chinese president Xi Jinping has notified Americans that it will likely be difficult to squeeze time in for voting during their 18-hour shifts at manufacturing plants.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 14-20 Oct 2012

In case you were wondering what sort of psychopath has nothing better to do than to institute laws that prevent low-income people from receiving contraception, here’s a clue: she’s rich, white, Republican, hates Mexicans, and should be given the electric chair.

King of Cambodia, who graciously let U.S. kill his subjects, now also dead [News Brief]

Thousands of Cambodians are mourning the death of former King Norodom Sihanhouk, who died today, by passing around a gigantic card that reads “We will miss you, dearest king. Thank you for allowing the U.S. to lead a secret bombing campaign in the 1960s which killed countless civilians, before then being helpless as the Khmer Rouge came to power and killed even more civilians. You will be missed.” All of that rhymes in the local language, so it reads a bit more cheerfully to Cambodians.

2010 footage of Putin fondling a puppy [VIDEO]

“This puppy is now mine and I will do as I please with it, including taking its young life if I need to,” Russian President Vladimir Putin told reporters before slitting the puppy’s throat and crying uncontrollably.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY, 30 Sept – 6 Oct 2012

“You’re a gigantic loser, wimp, and pussy,” Mitt Romney informed President Obama Wednesday night before walking over to the president’s podium and urinating all over his shoes.

In Laos, Clinton confirms “we bombed the shit out of them”

“I thought we killed all of you guys,” Secretary of State Clinton announced to a crowd of villagers Friday.

Manny Pacquiao would be a great dictator

Considering his burgeoning political career, not to mention his ability to earn upwards of $20 million per fight, Mr. Pacquiao’s prospects for becoming a corrupt and drunk-with-power madman look promising.

Pakistan tests nuclear-capable missile in latest reminder that we’re all screwed

You will be the first person that Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan will think of once they steal a nuclear weapon from the Pakistani government, which, unfortunately for you, is perpetually on the brink of collapse.

For fucksake, North Korea can’t even launch a missile?

The one thing the country was supposed to be good at–and it failed miserably. There wasn’t even any threat to people or land! Pathetic–even for someone unable to see his genitals in the shower.

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