News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines


Chavez returns to Venezuela to continue not running the country, because let’s be honest he’s dying from cancer

Not all countries are lucky enough to have mute politicians who breathe through tracheal tubes. Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas), for instance, appears able to speak and breathe on his own.

In televised address from afterlife, Chavez dismisses death rumors

“In the name of all that is holy–and which now surrounds me in its brilliant glow and warm, eternal embrace–I demand a stop to the false rumors of my death from what was certainly a fatal, incurable cancer. I look forward to continue leading the country of Venezuela for light years to come,” Chavez announced to a nearly empty television studio in the netherworld Tuesday.

Venezuelans vote to keep awesome 14-year-long revolution going

“Wait, me? No, couldn’t be! Me, Hugo Chavez? I get to be president of Venezuela? Oh, you shouldn’t have!” Chavez exclaimed Sunday night. “Oh, you guys. You really didn’t have to.”

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY, 30 Sept – 6 Oct 2012

“You’re a gigantic loser, wimp, and pussy,” Mitt Romney informed President Obama Wednesday night before walking over to the president’s podium and urinating all over his shoes.

As election approaches, Chavez asks Venezuelans to give him 14 more years to “do some stuff”

“I just need 14 more years to finish things up around here. 168 more months is all I ask. Seriously, what’s another 5,110 days?” Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez pleaded Friday.

Chavez to moonlight as owner of Team Venezuela

If athletes don’t think the new legislation gives Chavez the well-deserved right to dictate the future of his country’s elite athletes, then perhaps they should go ahead and try to open their own state-run sports funds to compete with his.

Hugo Chavez, cancer to face off in upcoming presidential elections

After last year’s operation for cancer in Cuba, President Chavez had insisted that he would be well enough to run in upcoming elections, set for October 2012. This week, however, cancer reemerged as a very strong candidate.

Qaddafi to Venezuela, Chavez to Libya in new "Autocrat Swap" reality show

It will probably require a bit of back and forth with their agents, but perhaps we could get a switch going, if only just for 2 weeks, so that these two gentleman could…

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