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Egyptians celebrate lack of constitution, democracy

“We are now free of any document that guarantees our individual liberties or sets any limits on the powers of government!” Egyptians cheered Wednesday afternoon.

Pakistani candidate shows human side by falling on head [VIDEO]

Pakistani politician Imran Khan fell 14 feet head-first from a makeshift lift today, proving to all of his supporters that he is just like them–or specifically that he is just like those among them who regularly fall 14 feet head-first from makeshift lifts.

Syrian rebels not quite so lovable, it seems

Remember when you used to idolize the anti-government forces in Syria? Yes, you remember.

Hugo Chavez dies, yet you remain

Say what you will about President Hugo Chavez, but at least he did something with his life. You, on the other hand, are completely worthless.

People of Niger eagerly await opening of cool new U.S. drone base

Oh, yes, and they are also being used in the United States, just so you don’t feel left out. We know how sensitive you are about this kind of thing.

Chavez returns to Venezuela to continue not running the country, because let’s be honest he’s dying from cancer

Not all countries are lucky enough to have mute politicians who breathe through tracheal tubes. Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas), for instance, appears able to speak and breathe on his own.

Pope leaves job to spend more time with kids

The Pope announced his resignation today, telling reporters that he hoped to have more time to spend with God’s children. “Specifically boys,” the Pope explained, “Supple, young, innocent, athletic boys, with smooth, tanned skin and soft, warm lips. And they should love the Lord Jesus, of course.”

Congress approves $51 million in aid for Hurricane Sandy

On Wednesday, Congress agreed to a $51 million aid package for Hurricane Sandy, who, while graciously accepting the money, promised to boost investment in a number of critical areas, including “wind capacity, range of destruction, and rate of occurrence.”

Myanmar’s government lifts ban on having parties

The government of Myanmar has lifted a 25-year ban on public gatherings of more than five people, so please feel free to go out and gather. Come on, it’ll be fun.

Failed assassination attempt in Bulgaria turns into hilarious stomping of assassin [VIDEO]

“The relentless beating would have felt a lot better had I just successfully shot that guy in the head,” the assassin told reporters Saturday night. “Well, it still would have hurt–particularly when that guy repeatedly slammed his briefcase into my head, but I imagine that the victory that I had just achieved would have helped get me through it.” Ahmed Dogan, the head of Bulgaria’s Turkish ethnic party survived the assassination attempt after the gun failed to go off.

Obama, Boehner photos placed next to each other to convey ongoing conflict over fiscal cliff

In order to illustrate the extent of the conflict over the fiscal cliff, The Daily Autocrat has placed photos of President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner next to one another. We then created a JPEG of that splitscreen, so that it looks like the two are talking to each other, and proceeded to post it on the website.

You now implicated in Petraeus sex scandal

You have been implicated in the Petraeus sex scandal, the FBI announced first thing tomorrow morning.

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