News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines


Trump to govern “total disaster of a country”

The long-awaited revolution against the old, wealthy, white, political and corporate elite is finally underway, led by the old, wealthy, white political and corporate elite.

The Daily Autocrat endorses both Ted Cruz and Donald Trump for a shared Presidency, obviously

Make no mistake about it–this publication believes very strongly in democracy, freedom, liberty, the Constitution of the United States, and, of course, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

An idiot’s guide to federal fraud indictments

With the advent of Supreme Court rulings such as Citizens United, precedents that money equals political speech, or ridiculous assertions that corporations are people; funnelling campaign donations into your back pocket in exchange for you own wholesale whoredom has never been easier.

Krokodil: New international flesh-eating drug also a great weight loss drug?

Recent news reports label the Krokodil as “dangerous,” “addictive,” and, of course, “flesh-eating,” while totally neglecting to mention its remarkable effectiveness as a weight loss drug.

French objection to Iran deal could have been prevented had U.S. just invaded Syria, as France had wanted

A simple, U.S.-led war in Syria–which the French badly craved over the summer–would have eliminated the possibility of talks with Iran in the first place . On the bright side, though, it would have also made France’s eventual scuttling of the talks impossible, which would have been nice.

Lack of transparency plagues selection process for new Pakistani Taliban leader

The benefits of healthy governance are aplenty and the Pakistani Taliban ignores them at its own peril.

Election 2012 takeaway: Republicans must move further to the right

If the Republican party is to have any chance of winning back control of the presidency, it must move as far to the right as possible, purging itself of all moderates and engaging in uninhibited, wacky behavior on an unprecedented scale.

Unlimited term needed for next president to carry out full agenda

As it stands now, the next president will lack the infinite amount of time needed to carry out his agenda, jail dissidents, and establish total control over the country’s governing apparatus. I

Presidential Debate: Undecided Voters React

Last night, Americans watched as two rich, power-hungry sociopaths publicly humiliated each other for a whole 90 minutes. This is how readers reacted.

The bank, the thief, his president, and their lawyers

I had been sat around chain-smoking trying to work out exactly what kind of weird cocktail of drugs it would take for me to view Obama or Romney’s websites’ with anything other than cynicism and disdain when, all of a sudden, a much more interesting story began to unfold.

Mitt Romney: More financially successful than you, but also a bit more politically bankrupt

So it was that the king of rats, Newt Gingrich, left his under-financed sewer on Tuesday to give his first press conference since he fired half of his staff, and announced the rest of his campaign would be run via Facebook, Twitter, or Chat Roulette, I forget exactly which.

For fucksake, North Korea can’t even launch a missile?

The one thing the country was supposed to be good at–and it failed miserably. There wasn’t even any threat to people or land! Pathetic–even for someone unable to see his genitals in the shower.

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