News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines

Opinion

I can solve the unemployment crisis

Everything on this list would create jobs. I’m starting a partnership with ExxonMobil to make this list happen. Together we can make America strong again.

Spain needs big, wacky ideas to fix its economy

A general strike swept Spain on Thursday to protest the prime minister’s new “very austere” budget and labor reform bill. With a few out of the box, ambitious implementations, Spain’s economy can be fixed after all.

‘Quetta Shura’ not a bad name, but ‘Cougars’ is better

As the leader of the Afghan Taliban, Mullah Omar calls ‘em as he sees ‘em–however it is that one-eyed bat-shit-loonball-whack-jobs see the world

You better enjoy it while you can because President Mugabe won't be around forever. Kidding, of course, he'll be around forever.

The dying undying rule of Robert Mugabe

President Mugabe of Zimbabwe has claimed that the country will be going to the polls with or without a new constitution or an opposition. He welcomes both, of course, since he wins all the time anyway.

Syrian rebels need cute child star for their own YouTube video

To succeed, the Free Syrian Army needs an adorable kid / handsome white guy combo to star in a viral video promoting its cause. It would be just the shot in the arm these rebels need, and would more than make up for the loss of Homs earlier this month. The army may not have guns or money or military discipline but, surely someone can learn Final Cut Pro.

A nuclear Iran would be fine, thank you

Israel, with its nuclear arsenal, not only already poses an existential threat to Iran, but actually poses such a threat to all its regional neighbors—none of whom have nuclear weapons. Moreover, even without nuclear weapons, Israel continues to be a serious threat to the existence of Palestine.

Lives of Facebook users given meaning simply by watching Kony video

After finishing your yoga class, enjoying a latte, eating your sushi and washing it down with a tofu smoothie, open up your iPad, log into Facebook, and save the world by sharing “Kony 2012” with your friends and family.

Relations with Russia can be fixed if Burberry.com shuts down

In order to improve relations between Russia and the UK, British retailer Burberry must shut down its online presence. This may seem too simple of a solution and it may seem a bit lofty and it may seem like Burberry is only relevant to Long Island girls in the early 2000’s, but allow me to connect the dots.

The time is ripe for Israel to attack Iran and drag the whole world into war

Israeli officials have pointed out that Iran looks a bit too much like a snail edging its way west, ready to drag its weird snail slime along anything in its path, starting with already slimey Iraq.

The time is ripe for a charismatic, populist leader to channel people’s anger into war

What is needed now is someone who can take this anger and with it generate a coherent, unifying vision for how the public can exact revenge on those who have wronged us while taking the steps needed to dismantle the current social order and build it anew by force.

In 10 years, when China is in charge, I'm going to learn Mandarin and have all of you arrested

In 2010, the United States’ trade imbalance with China–the world’s second largest economy–reached an all-time high of $273 billion. The playful prospect of a U.S. debt default, together with China’s growing economic dominance,…

Bin Laden’s death doesn’t mean we shouldn’t still live in constant fear for our lives

The past decade has been incredibly stressful for me, as I have been in a ceaseless panic, always looking over my shoulder, wondering when exactly my subway car was going to be ripped…

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