News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines


Under his new plan, half of U.S. will be in prison, Paul Ryan explains

“If you’re not working 90-hour weeks, you’ll be dead or incarcerated,” Ryan told cheering crowds Friday morning.

In Laos, Clinton confirms “we bombed the shit out of them”

“I thought we killed all of you guys,” Secretary of State Clinton announced to a crowd of villagers Friday.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 20-26 May 2012

The case of Chinese dissident Chen Guangcheng became the latest flash point in a continuing battle between a Chinese government that is laughably paranoid and reactionary, and an American government that interferes in every other country’s business with total impunity and arrogance.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 1-7 April 2012

This week, Seif al-Islam, the son of late Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi, claimed he was “attacked” while in detention. Fellow prisoners have long complained that Seif is having a tough time differentiating between unsolicited, passionate love-making and being “attacked”.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 25-31 March 2012

“So, how much for the two of you ladies to kiss?” King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia asked Hillary Rodham Clinton during the U.S. Secretary of State’s visit to the Kingdom this week.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 18-24 March 2012

The Pope began his tour throughout Latin America this week, much to the delight of those comprising his fan-base: idiots, pedophiles, the spiritually desperate, and children who don’t know any better.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 4-10 March, 2012

New legislation in Moldova that mandates castration for men convicted of sexually abusing children is expected to present a serious setback for the expansion of the Catholic Church’s operations throughout the country.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 19-25 February 2012

Growing anger over the American military’s burning of Korans this week provided much-needed distraction for those Afghans previously only angry about the 10-year-old American occupation of their country.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 13-17 February 2012

Celebrations of the first anniversary of Libya’s uprising this week were stalled by uncertainty among crowds of how best to celebrate the fact that they had sodomized Qaddafi with a knife before shooting him in the brain.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 6-11 February 2012

Political turmoil erupted in Maldives this past week, as the country’s president resigned in what he said was a coup d’etat, and the country’s roughly 350,000 citizens suddenly realized that they were trapped in the middle of the ocean with absolutely nowhere to go.

YEAR IN AUTOCRACY: Photos from 2011

“You’ll have to forgive my appearance everyone,” Qaddafi declared, “You see, I was mercilessly beaten and sodomized with a knife before being shot in the head earlier this afternoon .”

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 17-21 October 2011

France’s first lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, gave birth to a girl this week. Ms. Bruni-Sarkozy, has a 10 year old son from a previous relationship with a philosopher while Mr. Sarkozy has three sons from his first two marriages. “I am excited to add this new thing to our collection of things,” the president said Wednesday evening. “

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