News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines


A night at the fights

Politics and sports often intertwine. The Daily Autocrat ventured into the world of sports on September 8, 2017.

PHOTO OF THE DAY: Raving lunatic deserves a shot at Secretary of State role

“America’s Mayor” will finally shatter the glass ceiling for deranged maniacs who regularly lose their cool in public, yell angrily for hours, and say absolutely whatever pops into their psychotic brain, whenever they damn well please, with total disregard for basic societal norms or widely-agreed upon rules of human decency. It going to be pretty historic.

Trump’s cabinet shaping up nicely (We’re going to die)

Steve Bannon, who looks a bit like a serial killer in this picture, but is actually just a white supremacist, will now be senior counselor to the President of the United States. This is actually happening.

Trump to govern “total disaster of a country”

The long-awaited revolution against the old, wealthy, white, political and corporate elite is finally underway, led by the old, wealthy, white political and corporate elite.

Letters to the Editor: Why I’m Voting for Trump

But what are Trump’s supporters saying? Only one way to find out since you invariably don’t have any very angry and undoubtedly very white males nearby you to ask at the moment: open some of the letters they send us.

The Daily Autocrat endorses both Ted Cruz and Donald Trump for a shared Presidency, obviously

Make no mistake about it–this publication believes very strongly in democracy, freedom, liberty, the Constitution of the United States, and, of course, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

An idiot’s guide to federal fraud indictments

With the advent of Supreme Court rulings such as Citizens United, precedents that money equals political speech, or ridiculous assertions that corporations are people; funnelling campaign donations into your back pocket in exchange for you own wholesale whoredom has never been easier.

Krokodil: New international flesh-eating drug also a great weight loss drug?

Recent news reports label the Krokodil as “dangerous,” “addictive,” and, of course, “flesh-eating,” while totally neglecting to mention its remarkable effectiveness as a weight loss drug.

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 11-17 Nov. 2013

Discussions between Russian and Egyptian officials this week involved an arms deal reportedly worth $2 billion and numerous jokes about how the democratically-elected president of Egypt is currently in jail.

PHOTO OF THE DAY: Congress and general public unaware that only federal healthcare site, and not state sites, has a problem

Today’s congressional hearings on the Obama Administration’s faulty federal healthcare website confirmed that both Congress and the general public remain totally unaware that if you live in a state that has set up its own exchange–as initially was asked of states, but which many refused to do despite being offered federal funding–you can buy your plan through the state exchange website, all of which are working fine.

With Hawaii now gay, top 3 honeymoon destinations for bigots

The Daily Autocrat offers three less-known honeymoon spots for lovestruck bigots looking for a half-way decent location in which to christen their as-nature-intended-it heterosexual union without the perennial stench of homosexuality infringing upon their basic rights.

French objection to Iran deal could have been prevented had U.S. just invaded Syria, as France had wanted

A simple, U.S.-led war in Syria–which the French badly craved over the summer–would have eliminated the possibility of talks with Iran in the first place . On the bright side, though, it would have also made France’s eventual scuttling of the talks impossible, which would have been nice.

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