News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines

U.S.

NEWS BRIEF: Obama apologizes to Americans who are losing shitty, substandard insurance plans

The president has yet to apologize to those Americans who, over the years, have been impacted negatively by laws banning child labor, mandating the use of seat belts, and setting a health and safety code for establishments serving food.

Peace-loving Israel and Saudi Arabia express concern over lack of U.S. war with Iran and Syria

It makes perfect sense that both Israel and Saudi Arabia would be so openly exasperated by a perceived hesitancy among U.S. officials to recklessly wage war in the Middle East, particularly when you consider how well the many other U.S. wars are going.

FYI: Obama playing golf with Larry David while Egyptians massacred

Despite the deaths of nearly 1,000 protesters in Egypt (Left), President Obama was able to enjoy playing a few rounds of golf with comedian Larry David (Right). Anyhow, we just thought you should know.

In latest Obama foreign policy success story, U.S.-backed government in Egypt kills everyone

After tacitly supporting a military-led coup against the democratically-elected government of Mohammad Morsi in Egypt last month, President Obama watched as, finally, the military got down to business and started massacring people in the streets. Over 100 were said to have been killed in clashes on Wednesday.

Hate to tell you, but Bahrain thing actually still happening

Remember when the people of Bahrain started protesting against their brutal government? Yeh, us neither. It has been going on since February 2011.

Developments in Egypt raise suspicions that coup may have recently occurred

Amidst fierce street battles, protests, and a growing number of deaths in Egypt, concern is said to be growing in U.S. policy circles that the July 3 coup that removed democratically-elected President Mohammad Morsi from power was a coup and not in fact a new and innovative type of election, as President Obama had originally believed.

Obama: Trayvon Martin actually President of the United States

“Trayvon was actually the commander-in-chief of the U.S. armed forces and the leader of the free world,” Obama explained, before adding that “Vice President Joe Biden and George Zimmerman are the same person as well.”

People of Niger eagerly await opening of cool new U.S. drone base

Oh, yes, and they are also being used in the United States, just so you don’t feel left out. We know how sensitive you are about this kind of thing.

Transcript of President Obama’s inaugural address

The following is a transcript from President Obama’s 2nd inaugural address, delivered on 21 January 2013, as reported by The Daily Autocrat’s White House correspondent, who has yet to be invited to the…

Obama, Boehner photos placed next to each other to convey ongoing conflict over fiscal cliff

In order to illustrate the extent of the conflict over the fiscal cliff, The Daily Autocrat has placed photos of President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner next to one another. We then created a JPEG of that splitscreen, so that it looks like the two are talking to each other, and proceeded to post it on the website.

You now implicated in Petraeus sex scandal

You have been implicated in the Petraeus sex scandal, the FBI announced first thing tomorrow morning.

With moving, incomprehensible speech, Obama prepares country for thoroughly disappointing 2nd term

While the crowd wasn’t quite sure what the president had said, all agreed that the children and the hope and the dreams and the determination and great spirit, the United States of America.

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