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US Election

PHOTO OF THE DAY: Raving lunatic deserves a shot at Secretary of State role

“America’s Mayor” will finally shatter the glass ceiling for deranged maniacs who regularly lose their cool in public, yell angrily for hours, and say absolutely whatever pops into their psychotic brain, whenever they damn well please, with total disregard for basic societal norms or widely-agreed upon rules of human decency. It going to be pretty historic.

Trump’s cabinet shaping up nicely (We’re going to die)

Steve Bannon, who looks a bit like a serial killer in this picture, but is actually just a white supremacist, will now be senior counselor to the President of the United States. This is actually happening.

Trump to govern “total disaster of a country”

The long-awaited revolution against the old, wealthy, white, political and corporate elite is finally underway, led by the old, wealthy, white political and corporate elite.

Letters to the Editor: Why I’m Voting for Trump

But what are Trump’s supporters saying? Only one way to find out since you invariably don’t have any very angry and undoubtedly very white males nearby you to ask at the moment: open some of the letters they send us.

Mitt Romney not President of the United States

Mitt Romney is not the President of the United States due to the fact that he did not win this year’s presidential election. Mitt Romney’s running mate Paul Ryan will not be Vice President.

U.S. voters take to the polls in country’s last election before 2014 Chinese invasion

Incoming Chinese president Xi Jinping has notified Americans that it will likely be difficult to squeeze time in for voting during their 18-hour shifts at manufacturing plants.

Romney: Regardless of who wins next week, I will be president

“Let me be clear: whether I win or lose the election, I will be president of the United States with the help of high-ranked defectors in the military,” Romney told cheering supporters Monday.

Candidates fail to adequately express undying love for Israel

In Monday’s debate, Obama and Romney by and large neglected to pay sufficient homage to Israel, having only declared their love for the country 34 times. The candidates also missed the opportunity to remind the American people of how terrified they should be of Iran, mentioning the country 47 times. On the bright side, at least unimportant nuclear-armed, terrorist-haven Pakistan got half as many mentions. Yemen was discussed once, in passing. Palestine was also mentioned once, along with North Korea and France.

FACT CHECK: Both candidates lied the entire time about everything

Both Obama and Romney lied throughout the entire debate, the entire time, about everything. They did this all in Spanish to throw the audience off.

DEBATE COVERAGE: Obama, Romney both drunk right now, aides confirm

“They’re both totally blacked out,” someone close to the campaigns told reporters Wednesday night.

DEBATE COVERAGE: Obama, Romney agree to share presidency

“We have decided to both be president at the same time,” Obama explained Wednesday night.

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