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Citizens of North Carolina save marriage from marriage-hungry homos

"Lord Jesus, we pray that them dirty gays don't feel too much pain as they burn in hell for eternity. Also, Debbie is hoping that there's no rain next weekend during the houseboat trip. You know how long she has been waiting for this vacation." Carl told Jesus on Wednesday.

Last week, voters in North Carolina successfully defended the institution of marriage from a bunch of out-of-control gays, approving a constitutional amendment banning same-sex unions.

Though same-sex marriage was actually already banned in the state 16 years ago, and there has been absolutely no concerted push to change the law, many North Carolinians—presumably recognizing how sneaky and gay homosexuals can be—have felt the need to solidify the ban in the state constitution, even if that means invalidating state protections for the victims of domestic violence or taking a gigantic shit on the rights of unmarried straight people.

The lopsided vote went through last week. “With God’s grace, we have won an overwhelming victory,” said Tami Fitzgerald, one supporter of the Amendment (and, ostensibly, a raving lunatic). “You don’t rewrite the nature of God’s design for marriage based on the demands of a group of adults,” she said. Echoing this heroic emphasis on “God’s design” over the rights of fellow adults, Amendment 1 supporters were even willing to perform a little voter fraud if that was what it took to ensure that this already-illegal activity became even more illegal.

Even Billy Graham, the 93-year-old evangelist, came out of retirement to announce his support for the cause: “I never thought we would have to debate the definition of marriage… The Bible is clear.” The guy’s 93, so we can forgive him forgetting that the definition of marriage has in fact been debated for at least decades. But at least he’s right about one thing: The Bible clearly states that marriage is between one man and one or more women, presuming the woman is a virgin, and as long as the guy can have sex with whores on the side.

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