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Election 2012 takeaway: Republicans must move further to the right

If the Republican party is to have any chance of winning back control of the presidency, it must move as far to the right as possible, purging itself of all moderates and engaging in uninhibited, wacky behavior on an unprecedented scale.

President Obama’s re-election came as a shock to many of the nation’s most mentally intact conservatives–like Donald Trump, for example, who called for a revolution via Twitter–, and even, actually respected fair and balanced news outlets like Fox News, where last night Karl Rove was forced to convince the station that they couldn’t call Ohio for Obama yet, but then the station notified him that they very well could, and then Karl said no, actually they cannot, and then the station had the anchorwoman walk for 13 minutes to some weird room in the back where she interviewed some guys who said that, yes, actually they very well could. Then, of course, Karl once again said they couldn’t.

The whole thing was great, and well worth a watch (below). The exasperation was palpable among everyone in the Fox family, with Bill O’Reilly–usually very composed–announcing that white people were all going to die. I’m thinking AIDS, but he never specified. He did mention, quite curiously, that, in case you hadn’t noticed, Latinos and blacks sorta feel like they are “entitled” to “things”. O’Reilly, a political theorist and outspoken protector of white freedoms, is older, paler, and more experienced than you, so you’ll have to go ahead and just let him have this one. Also, think about that one Honduran friend you have and how many “things” he always says you should just give him. I mean, that guy’s a bit of an entitled dick.

Given the nightmarish state of the economy, high unemployment, and widespread public frustration with both political paralysis in Washington and Obama’s apparent inability to stay awake during debates, Republicans were understandably confident they would reclaim the presidency. Given the dramatic loss this week, however,  serious discussion will have to take place within the party as to the future of the GOP. This should not be taken lightly. Indeed, it is a critical time for Republicans–if the right steps aren’t taken, they’ll have little chance of securing the presidency any time soon, particularly after the Chinese invade in 2014 and start holding public executions and auctioning off everyone’s children.

If there is one lesson worth taking away from all of this, it is that an honest, straight-shooting moderate like Mitt Romney, who, yes encouraged Latinos to “self-deport,” dismissed 47 percent of the American public as lazy, once said that corporations were people, then promised to get rid of Planned Parenthood, but anyhow was too moderate, will never have a chance of being president of a God-fearing conservative country like the United States of America. As the dust settles and normalcy returns to Washington, it will become abundantly clear that the Republican party’s big mistake was moving toward the middle and competing as a moderate party. The market is saturated with moderates. It’s hardly worth entering it, to be honest. The key is to be unfiltered, dangerous, and irrational. Cain, Bachmann, that off-putting, dorky white guy in the upper left-hand corner of the photo at the top whose name totally escapes me at this moment but who was absolutely out of his mind–these are the individuals who should be in charge.

It’s time for a change in the Republican party, and that change will mean taking a sharp turn to the right, purging all moderates, and promoting anachronistic ideas that limit personal liberties, eliminate taxes on those making over $250,000/yr, fully dismantle the federal government, and continue burning fossil fuels indefinitely. If the Republican party is too afraid to make the weird, reckless decisions needed to please our wrathful and Christian God, then the American people will continue to deny it victory at the polls. It’s as simple as that. If it wants to take control of the government (and then eliminate the government, thereby no longer controlling anything except land and cash) the Republican party will have to heed the clear message sent to it this week.

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