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Transcript of President Obama’s inaugural address

Obama

“Today I’m going to speak like Jefferson, act like Kennedy, talk about Lincoln, and read quotes by Madison. Then I’ll say something about the spirit of the American people and finish up with some tantalizing imagery and big words,” the President explained Monday.

The following is a transcript from President Obama’s 2nd inaugural address, delivered on 21 January 2013, as reported by The Daily Autocrat’s White House correspondent, who has yet to be invited to the actual White House and who tends to not be the most attentive listener or most accurate transcriber.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Vice President Biden, Mr. Chief Justice, Members of the United States Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:

Today, we come together to inaugurate a president, and as we do so, we do not come together as Democrats and Republicans. Instead, today we come together as Americans who believe in our great country and the promise that it is built on, which, as you know, is liberty, freedom, and the right to do whatever you want, whenever you damn well please, without any concern for anyone outside of your friends and family. And it doesn’t matter that this country’s current president (me) wasn’t even born here, or that he espouses radical, left-wing ideas like that all citizens should receive healthcare and that rich people shouldn’t urinate down poor people’s throats while emptying the countries coffers, gutting basic social services, destroying the environment, and paying absolutely no taxes.

The American people are by far the best American people throughout the world. They are strong and smart and popular and funny, and everyone loves them and wants to hang out with them.

Indeed, regardless of the laughable innocuousness of what are actually very middle-of-the-political-spectrum ideas put forth by my administration–and, in fact, if you compared them to the rest of civilized world, they are pretty borderline right-wing in nature–or the fact that this president has authorized the targeted killing of Americans deemed terrorists, or that he has failed to make absolutely any progress on climate change or immigration reform, and that his healthcare plan failed to even contain a public option–which of course was really the crux of the original idea in the first place. No, despite all of the aforementioned failures of someone who is actually much further to the right than even Richard Nixon, we still somehow come together and stand waiting in the cold, cheering on our great nation as the president kills Pakistani children and women on a daily basis via drone strikes. It is a testament to the American spirit and a fairly good indication that, if I am considered a left-wing socialist, the American people are not only dumb, but also entirely ignorant of both history and political theory.

Do you guys remember that huge BP oil spill in 2010 where nearly 4.9 million barrels of oil spilled into the Gulf of Mexico for over 3 months? It was the worst environmental disaster in American history, and absolutely nothing came of it–despite the fact that I oversee the federal agency that was to blame for not enforcing regulatory measures in the first place. I’m glad we all came together as Americans and never followed up with my administration on that whole thing. It’s a real testament to the human spirit.  Anyhow, I’m sure nothing like that will happen again.

Our great country will face some challenges over the next four years. But in the end, we will overcome and succeed. In the interest of full disclosure, I should warn you that it will be extremely difficult and some of you will lose your lives.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.” That’s from the Declaration of Independence. Not sure how totally relevant it is right now, but you’re all familiar with it and it sounds great, so I went with it.

Now I think it’s time to quote from some past presidents, partly to inspire you, but mostly to fill in some of the major gaps here. Of course, I would’t say that I am like any of these guys, but I’ll just go ahead and read snippets of their speeches and let your imagination take it from here. “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” That was Kennedy. I sorta remind you of him, I think. Anyhow, that quote mainly refers to other people, not you. Just go about your business and buy new smartphones.

“America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.” That’s a good one by Abraham Lincoln/me. The reason I take partial credit for that is because I am clearly just like Lincoln and you all think so. I like that quote mostly because it’s already happening and no one is realizing it.

Well, that’s enough for the quotes for now. Let’s run through my agenda for the next four years.

  1. First, I will continue to draw your attention to the top 1% of earners. I don’t know how familiar you are with politics, but if you can get everyone to rally behind you against a small, insignificant percentage of the population, you’re good to go, particularly when you’re too scared to take on anyone else.
  2. Second, you will still have low paying jobs and a lot of student debt, but you’ll spend all your disposable income on Apple products. That’s going to be great.
  3. Finally, I’m going to go ahead and continue taking on the Republican-controlled House and failing miserably due to my lack of political acumen and poor negotiating skills.

Thanks for coming! God bless America.

1 comment on this postSubmit yours
  1. great article

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