News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines

For fucksake, North Korea can’t even launch a missile?

"Did we say space?" North Korean press officials said on Thursday, "No, no, we meant sea. The missile was going to explore the sea."

The reader surely knows how absolutely generous your editor has been about this whole North Korea thing. While others laughed and jeered, I applauded, however reluctantly, when flabby Kim Jong-un took over for his father in this terrific disaster of a country, thinking that perhaps the pudgy little bastard would flex at least a bit of muscle, and get things going on the Korean peninsula. And, of course, by “get things going” I’m talking war here. Conventional war, yes, but war nonetheless. Hand-to-hand combat, at the very least, but maybe a few serious aerial attacks as well. Perhaps some mass slaughter.

I told all those who would listen to me–at dinner parties, at brunch, on the subway, in North Korean restaurants in mid-town–that this change of leadership would herald a promising new period in the history of North Korea. Kim Jong-il, I declared, may have been getting a bit soft in his old age. It can be expected. After all, on the eve of his death in 2011, there was little sign of the man whose father orchestrated an assassination attempt against South Korean government officials in Myanmar back in 1983, killing 21. (By the way, if you haven’t seen this video, you haven’t lived.) But things would change, I promised all the deniers. The country would get back some of its old flare: it would get started with the killing again. Sure I had heard things like ‘Kim Jong-un may lose control’ or ‘The boy can’t even see his penis while looking downwards in the shower for Chrissake; he’s helpless and incapable, he’ll hasten the disintegration of an already-crumbling regime.’ I had always thought that, however true, the bit about him not being able to see over his stomach was a cheap shot.

Then, of course, came the February 2012 break in negotiations between the new leadership and the West. You stop enriching uranium, we said, and we’ll give your dead/dying people/zombies 240,000 tonnes of food (some of which will actually go to the people). You freeze nuclear tests and long-range missile launches and we’ll go through the whole aggravating process again, acting as if you are going to reform when really you probably won’t. The whole thing made me sick quite honestly. This adorable little fat kid running a nice little show in North Korea, ruining all chances of destructive wars with South Korea, with Japan even, and certainly with the United States. Nuclear war, it seemed, was out of the question. This incredibly cute, very hugable teddy bear was going to save his strange little country.

Then, much to my delight, everything was thrown into disarray. A missile launch! This is what I was talking about. Sure, torpedoing a South Korean warship would be great. But a missile launch to allegedly put a satellite into space was also crazy. I’ll take what I can get. The deal with the United States was seemingly scrapped. Delightful. Terrific. Delightful, terrific, and badly needed all at once. Finally, we would experience the awe-inspiring wrath of a shrewd and relentless regime in Pyongyang. Then, the worst happened. Today, news arrived that the missile was airborne for only a couple of minutes, then broke up and fell into the sea. ‘Surely you mean space, right?’ I asked the television. Nope, the Yellow Sea. Into the sea. What sort of nonsense is this? The one thing the country was supposed to be good at–and it failed miserably. There wasn’t even any threat to people or land! Pathetic–even for someone who is presumably unable to see his genitals in the shower.

Submit your comment

Please enter your name

Your name is required

Please enter a valid email address

An email address is required

Please enter your message

The Daily Autocrat © 2019 All Rights Reserved

Designed by WPSHOWER

Powered by WordPress