While Kim Jong-ll’s admirable humanitarian efforts have been well documented, the many athletic feats of this unadulterated hero remain grossly under-reported. For more reasons than I care to mention, Mr. Kim deserves to be recognized as the greatest sportsman of his generation. Oh, okay, I’ll mention a few.
The now completely dead (see photo above) North Korean leader’s athletic prowess was most readily apparent in his unparalleled skills in golfing and bowling. In 1994, after his first 18-hole round on a championship golf course, the man turned in a scorecard featuring nothing short of 11 hole-in-ones and an impressive final score of 38-under par. Almost as remarkable, Mr. Kim bowled a perfect game of 300 during his first trip to a bowling alley. This occurred, mind you, in spite of the fact that Mr. Kim allegedly consumed a pint of beer between each roll. I have thought that you couldn’t simultaneously ruin a country’s economy while also bowling a 300, but, alas, it appears quite possible.
The dear leader’s athletic excellence can be attributed to an obsession he developed for basketball great Michael Jordan. Indeed, Mr. Kim aggressively studied film of every one of Jordan’s games. It was through this process that the great leader came to perfect the great art of winning–something, as it turned out, that became second nature to Kim Jong-il. During the 2010 world cup, developed “invisible cell phones” that allowed him to relay tactical advice to his coaches from any location without being seen by opponents. Unfortunately for you and me, the dear leader passed away before he was able to share the secrets to his athletic achievements and any details on his invisible technology. It’s time to bring him back to life and start asking questions.