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King of Bahrain "really not in the mood for this shit"

"I'm just not a big fan of all this protesting," the king declared before ordering that everyone be thoroughly beaten.

After surprising protesters early yesterday morning in what was the most elaborate surprise party ever thrown by a Bahraini king–during which police officers surrounded Pearl Square and fired rubber bullets at anything that moved and then upon discovering that a lot of things actually weren’t moving (it being 2:45 in the morning and all) shot at people who were sleeping, many of whom upon waking up were slightly frightened at being fired upon and beaten, but even more shocked to find themselves in Bahrain out of all places–the King of Bahrain, Hamad bin Isa al-Khalifa, explained to his staff that “Honestly, this whole protest thing doesn’t seem like a great idea, so let’s go ahead and wrap things up.”

By wrapping things up, the king explained, he meant a ridiculous amount of shock and awe. His uncle, Sheikh Khalifa bin Salman al-Khalifa, who has been prime minister for 40 years, couldn’t help but agree with the king’s decision. As prime minister for 40 years, after all, he felt that he was in the best position to say that the whole thing didn’t look so good from his vantage point either.

It seemed like only yesterday that the king was entertaining foreign dignitaries with live executions.

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