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Krokodil: New international flesh-eating drug also a great weight loss drug?

Don't get us wrong, we considered leading with a photo of people's skin falling off--there are more than of these to go around--but this seemed like a nicer way to go.

Don’t get us wrong, we considered leading with a photo of people’s skin falling off–there are plenty of these to go around–but this seemed like a much nicer way to go.

If, like any responsible citizen, you have been keeping up with the latest drugs being released on the black market, then you have likely heard of Krokodil. Krokodil or desomorphine (if you’re some sort of scientist) is made by mixing simple household chemicals like iodine, gasoline, and paint thinner with codeine, which is commonly found in over-the-counter pain relievers.

Despite such a tame ingredients list, the pro-Krokodil public relations machine is struggling to shake off recent negative news reports that have labeled the drug as “dangerous,” “addictive,” and, of course, “flesh-eating.” Even the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is demonizing the drug, which it continues to list as a “controlled substance,” whatever the hell that means. In short, the whole thing is just another example of left-wing media conglomerates working with federal agencies to twist the truth, etc., etc. We say “truth” because, let’s be honest, the stuff definitely eats your skin.

But it does so, so much more. The drug is also the best new way to achieve significant weight loss. The best part: it’s an affordable weight loss drug that anyone can make. Unlike the big pharmaceutical companies, gymnasiums, and personal trainers who look to squeeze every dollar out of you, the people behind Krokodil are sharing the recipe free of charge–to everyone. Democracy never smelled so distinctly like rotting flesh.

While it remains unclear when Krokodil may become available in weight loss clinics throughout the United States, international success stories abound. In one notable case, three people in Ontario, Canada recently began taking the drug to lose weight. While they were subsequently admitted to local hospitals for skin sores that developed from a reaction to the drug, they had all lost a significant amount of meat off their bones in only a few days—thereby achieving the fit, firm, skinless beach bodies they always wanted but had probably never envisioned.

Until the media and government come to their senses, Americans seeking relief can at least continue to resort to illicit means to procure Krokodil. In fact, the FDA confirmed in September that some American pioneers have already begun manufacturing the drug.

In conclusion, obviously everyone should do Krokodil. We hope this has been made abundantly clear. It may rip all the skin off your bones, but at least you’ll be able to fit in your clothes for pennies on the dollar tomorrow.

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