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Letters to the Editor: Why I’m Voting for Trump

Donald J. Trump, the actual Republican nominee to be the President of the United States of America. This actually happened.

Donald J. Trump, the actual Republican nominee to be the President of the United States of America. This actually happened.

We can all agree that it’s immensely satisfying to see Donald Trump finally get his fair share–by which we mean finally get closer to achieving total domination over the executive branch of this God-fearing nation. Years in the making, really–largely in the 1980’s, but also in the early 2000’s during all of the reality show stuff. “You’re fired!” Who could forget that hilarious and incredibly quotable line!

But what are his supporters saying now that this newspaper has officially come out in favor of Trump (also Cruz: “Daily Autocrat endorses both Trump and Cruz”)? Only one way to find out since you invariably don’t have any very angry and undoubtedly very white males nearby you to ask at the moment: open some of the very dirty, and almost all hand-written notes we get stuffed under our door here in Los Angeles each morning!

To kick off this election season’s ongoing series of letters to the editor, we’ll take a look at two of our staff’s current front-runners. Reading these reminded everyone on the editorial board why it’s absolutely critical to open mail from total strangers, and as important to be able to read cursive. We’ve transcribed these below for quicker reading.

 

Dear Daily Autocrat:

I’m sick of everything. Seem like things just need to change–things everywhere, they’re just terrible. You know: things, everything. Politicians, Washington, and all that. Don’t even get me started on it. I’m just frustrated with everything. And I’m angry. It’s just so overwhelming that it’s almost impossible to put specific things down on paper–it’s just, like, everything, you know? I shouldn’t have to feel sorry for feeling this way. For feeling angry. At everything. At Washington. Government is [the] problem.

And Hillary. I mean, she’s just–well, I just don’t like her–and those emails. Where did they go? Were they deleted? Get those emails and we’ll have some answers. And Benghazi. It’s just too much to even get into specific reasons or facts about all of this. It’s so bad. We have to get those emails.

And everything in this country is just wrong, you know? With everyone doing all that stuff, you know? And jobs and Obamacare. And immigrants. It just makes me really angry–all of this. Just everything, including all the things I just mentioned. Obamacare is so bad. Look what it’s doing. Look. It’s doing all of these things. Everything.

Don’t even get me started on foreign policy. It’s just so bad, isn’t it? ISIS. And Benghazi. Someone needs to fix it. There are bombings all over and the wars in the Middle East.

Feels like we need a change, doesn’t it? No need to get into particulars here. Washington and crooks and all that, and the emails. We need an outsider. Donald Trump seems like he could do that–you know: that–don’t you think?

– Frank / Laguna Beach CA

 

DEAR FRANK,

Thanks for writing to us. We definitely hear you. Things are quite bad–probably could be proven to be the worst ever if we had statistics on-hand.

Just yesterday a few of us were on our iPads at Starbucks using their WiFi just before lunch (our stupid WiFi at the office went down, AGAIN!) and were talking about how bad things have been in this country and how we’re damn near sick and tired of it.

And the immigrants. There are too many to count. And believe us we tried. Johnson, our IT dude told us about how these immigrants were practically all over his block last week, chatting it up and making everyone uncomfortable. When he tried to pull over in his car and do a quick headcount, he realized that he didn’t want to be seen to be counting people on the street.

And then ISIS. I mean, they are just mucking everything up for us over here. The whole team here was in agreement on that one. Richard, our editorial intern, was at Chipotle last night and some dude behind him was telling his wife about how ISIS was sending fighters all over the globe to wage jihad on America. That about did it for Richard. He didn’t even order–and the guy is a huge fan of the place! He got out of line and marched back to the office to tell us about how fed up he was with Hillary and the whole Washington establishment. Particularly Hillary. If there’s one person who absolutely despises Hillary Clinton, it’s Richard.

– TDA EDITORIAL STAFF

 


Dear Autocrat Newspaper:

I’m glad that you had the guts to endorse Donald J. Trump as president of America. That takes real guts, and patriotism to do that sort of thing.

He’s a real man, and he’s going to make this country great like it once was back when I was a young boy and my life was ahead of me and I could do anything I wanted, and could play baseball after school with my friends and go to the arcade, and then come home and eat dinner and hang out with my older brother and his friends trading baseball cards and laughing it up.

Then, I’d be up for hours listening to my favorite CD and thinking about how the next day I’d go to the park with my friends and play on the jungle gym and buy loads of candy from the ice cream truck that would come around later in the day.

Those were the “good ol’ days,” not like today where I’m 32 years old and working all day and America has all these problems like terrorism and I have to go to work all day and pay bills and it’s just so unfair. Happy to bring Donald J. Trump to the White House to turn back time. Let’s Make America Great Again like it was when I was 7 years old!

– Philip, Phoenix AZ

 

DEAR PHILIP,

Childhood was a magical time for a lot of people, so you’re definitely not alone. I remember picking apricots in my backyard with my father, a sturdy and quiet man who always demanded that I get our family the best apricots, which were of course always toward the top of the tree–and he knew I couldn’t reach. Looking back on it now, I think he was teaching me to accept my limitations, which at that time were directly related to my small, dainty figure and small stature–making it very hard to reach that far out to collect the apricots, and which kept me on the bench during basketball season throughout the 7th and 8th grades. I wanted to quit, but again my dad encouraged me to keep at it.

There’s no doubt that things have changed drastically since then. When we were young, terrorism wasn’t a part of the 2nd grade lexicon. It just wasn’t. And we sure as hell didn’t have to worry about Obamacare or job-killing politicians in Washington ruining our Saturday night sleepovers and fun pool parties during the summer.

It’s a real shame that Obama showed up and not only destroyed those endless summer afternoons at camp playing capture the flag with our best friends, but forever tarnished the rich and expansive imaginations that made every day new and exciting, offering the promise of adventure and boundless opportunity.

Getting up every day and going to work sure is the pits. And getting older and contemplating our own mortality isn’t so great either. What happens when we die? Are our souls truly eternal? President Trump is needed now more than ever.

– TDA EDITORIAL BOARD

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