Massive popularity, an obsession with religion, and a talent for boundless, irrational logic are just a few of the key attributes enjoyed by history’s greatest dictators. Incidentally, these attributes also apply to boxing champ and Filipino Congressman Manny Pacquiao. Considering his burgeoning political career, not to mention his ability to earn upwards of $20 million per fight, Mr. Pacquiao’s prospects for becoming a corrupt and drunk-with-power madman look promising. Let’s breakdown his potential path towards authoritarian rule.
In May of 2010, Emmanuel “Manny” Pacquiao–the Philippine Iron Man–was elected Representative of the Province of Sarangani in the Philippine House of Congress. His political success is now regularly on parade in a bizarre weekly variety show titled “Manny Many Gifts” in which Pacquiao serves as the host/godfather of the people, reading bible verses, singing songs and showering cash on his poverty stricken countrymen. It’s a bit like Leno, only funny.
Of course, a man of Mr. Pacquiao’s stature has far better goals than being on a remarkably poorly-produced television or becoming a career congressman. It’s fair to assume he will run for president as early as 2022. What flavor of presidency will he offer? Some ideas:
- Much like the Philippines’ dictator, Ferdinand Marcos, Mr. Pacquiao will obviously have to establish his position through violence. Shouldn’t be a problem. After all, the guy was once nicknamed the “Mexicutioner” because of all the beatings he laid on his Mexican foes. Mexicutioner. It’s brilliant. Also bodes well for relations with Mexico in the international arena.
- Mr. Pacquiao’s lack of common sense serves as a good indication that as president he will be able to effectively ignore human rights and make dangerous, ill-informed decisions. His weird stance on modern medicine will be particularly helpful in this regard. .
- He speaks directly to God. Directly.
Hopefully, Mr. Pacquiao will eventually realize his full dictator potential and enjoy a long reign full of corruption, oppression, and direct conversations with God–all the while firing missiles into Mexico. Of course, none of this will be possible should Pacquiao lose tonight’s fight to some guy nobody has ever heard of.