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Presidential Debate: Undecided Voters React

Last night, Americans watched as two rich, power-hungry sociopaths publicly humiliated each other for a whole 90 minutes.

This newspaper has received some 200 letters from viewers of last night’s presidential debate. This week, we’ll be sharing some of the most poignant and revealing letters. Today we start with letters coming from the most critical portion of the electorate: the undecided voter. In case you haven’t heard, these are the individuals whose vote really matters in the election. They have literally not made up their mind yet somehow. It’s like they were either very busy and haven’t paid attention or they want to learn more about things that everyone else already knows about. Either way, these are the votes that matter,  so you’ll just have to go ahead and suck on that for a while. In fact, if you’ve already decided who you are going to vote for, it’s probably best for you to not even bother voting since your vote doesn’t really matter as long as the mythical undecided voter is around.

Dear TDA,
As an undecided voter, I really enjoyed this debate.  This guy Bo-Rock Obamas is going grey. What kind of hair product does Mick Rodney use?  That stuff really holds.  What’s all this talk about Obamacare? I didn’t realize that Obama had anything to do with the carebears.  Why do they keep talking about schools and education? School sucks! Taxes? I don’t want to pay no taxes.  I’ll vote for the guy that will give me the most money, none of these guys have promised to give me money yet.  Bo-Rock is soooo cool, he barely stutters.  There’s something about Mick though. That hair really makes him look smart and trustworthy.  Mick has done this job before, or was it Obama that has the experience required for president? Either way both these guys are great. The government is corrupt anyways.  I’m not watching these political things anymore. Let me know when it’s time to vote.

M. Roberts
Salem, Oregon

 

Dear Daily Autocrat,
Listen, I don’t really care about Medicaid, because I’ll never be poor, ever, but I do care about theatrics. And in this case, the theatrics were all wrong. Obama did a lot better when he faced off with that dead guy 4 years ago. What was that guy’s name again? Remember, that guy, with his face all wrinkly and dying, and his flesh was falling off his arms, and he had bugs crawling out of his eye sockets because his body was in the first stages of decomposition? What was his name again? I want to say John, or Jack, or Josh. Yes, Josh. Josh something. McDonald. No, that wasn’t it. Jack Marachovsky. Yes, that was it: Jack Marachovsky. That poor, dead bastard. What ever became of his body?

George
Toledo, Ohio

 

Dear TDA,
I have a couple suggestions that I believe could add a little spice to these lifeless debates:

  1. Sell beer. Did you hear how quiet that place was? This isn’t golf, this is the goddamn presidential debates. I want to hear some derogatory chanting, booing, a few streakers, etc.
  2. Let’s get a new moderator. I nominate Simon Cowell. Why you ask? Because I fucking said so. Did you see what I did there? I moderated. That’s the kind of conviction we need out of what is basically the debate referee. We need someone who can put these presidential hopefuls in their place when they try to go over their allotted two minutes.
  3. How about a scoreboard? I don’t know who’s fucking winning these debates. Tell me what to think-I need a narrative here. If by the end of the night we knew that one candidate had scored more points than the other then we could all go to bed a little easier that night.
  4. Gratuitous sex wouldn’t hurt, particularly if it was the candidates having sex with each other. I’m not gay or nothing, but that would definitely get me off to an extent where I would begin thinking I was definitely gay.

Richard Fulton
Apopka, Florida

 

Dear The Daily Autocrat,
Last night’s debate was my first time seeing the candidates really face off against each other. Actually, to be perfectly forthright with you, I had never seen them before in my life. Who were those two gentleman? The black one seemed pretty lackadaisical, and that other one—the white one with the gelled hair and the foaming mouth—he looked like a raving psychopath. Whoever they are, I sure hope they both win and hand over the citizenry to the Chinese, where we belong.

Susan P
Greensboro, North Carolina

 

Dear Autocrat Website,
I’m addicted to bath salts. Let that be known before I give you my pretty critical opinion of what happened last night. First of all, I don’t think it was very appropriate for Mitch Romney to grow horns in the middle of the debate and begin growling into the camera like that. I mean, act a bit presidential for chrissake. And what was that all about when Barackt Obama took out that dead chicken and started beating the living crap out of the stenographer before turning the chicken carcass on himself? You are a grown man and a former governor. Be a little better-behaved. And that bit where that zebra appeared on stage and began grazing and kicking up his hooves like that. Listen, I don’t know who directs these debates, but a zebra does not belong on primetime television, and certainly has nothing to offer at a debate of this caliber. I’m also fairly certain it was illegal of Mitch Romney to slit the zebra’s throat, skin the thing, and then lay his naked body all over its oozing, bloody torso. This whole thing was a disaster for all 6 men and women on stage.

Daniel G
Jerome, Arizona

 

 

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