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REPORT: Mitt Romney visibly aroused while discussing war with Iran

Mitt’s upper lip tightened and the skin on his chest became a cherry red as he detailed how sanctions were great, but all options must be on the table. “We must firmly lay these options out on the table and gently press on them with our bare, sweaty, strong hands,” the governor explained before sitting down to catch his breath.

In a recent discussion on Iran’s nuclear capability, Mitt Romney failed to contain his sexual excitement at the thought of dropping bombs, killing thousands of Iranians. Although he did say that his mission would be “to dissuade Iran from having a nuclear weapon through peaceful and diplomatic means,” he suffered a noticeable shortness of breath, and sweat began glistening on his forehead as he went on to explain that, “of course, a military action is the last resort.” I’ll hand it to Mitt; the whole thing was pretty hot.

Crowds remember the sultry sounds of his voice when he told an audience in Jerusalem that, “History teaches with force and clarity that when the world’s most despotic regimes secure the world’s most destructive weapons, peace often gives way to oppression, to violence, or to devastating war.” His pants tightened and his mouth started to dry before adding, “brutal, disgusting, manly, exciting, erotic war. War in which men emerge from battle dripping with sweat and blood, clothes torn and hanging haphazardly from their bodies… though of course we pray it doesn’t come to that inevitable outcome.” That’s what I heard at least–although it was a bit loud in the bar I was watching the speech in.

Of course, Romney has also fantasized about this scenario from other perspectives. “If I were Iran,” he told a crowd at his private fundraiser in May, “I’d say let’s get a little fissile material to Hezbollah, have them carry it to Chicago or some other place, and then if anything goes wrong, or America starts acting up, we’ll just say, ‘Guess what? Unless you stand down, why, we’re going to let off a dirty bomb. It’s going to be so dirty.’” You don’t actually need fissile material for a dirty bomb, of course, but Romney has never let scientific accuracy stand in the way of a nice, steamy fantasy. And you shouldn’t either.

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