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Who said it: Rick Santorum or an Islamic radical?

Now that Rick Santorum is out of the race, we can safely insinuate that he's just as crazy as an Islamic radical.

Rick Santorum is out of the race. No better time than now, it seems, to explore some of his most famous quotes to make sure that we can easily differentiate him from your run-of-the-mill Islamic radical. Here goes absolutely nothing.

1. “Satan has his sights on the United States of America…this is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country–the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age? There is no one else to go after other than the United States and that has been the case now for almost 200 years…”

ANSWER: Rick Santorum said this one, channeling Satan. That one should have been obvious. It wasn’t, though.

2. “I tell you, freedom and human rights in America are doomed. The U.S. government will lead the American people in — and the West in general — into an unbearable hell and a choking life.”

ANSWER: This one is attributed to Osama bin Laden. Santorum hasn’t actually said this yet, but his next book will probably be coming out as early as summer, so there’s still a chance.

3. “I think the Democrats are actually worried he (Obama) may go to Indonesia and bow to more Muslims.”

Answer: Santorum, during a Fox News interview in May 2010, but this one could have gone either way. Plenty of Islamic fundamentalists were likely expecting the same thing.

4. “If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does. … That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing.”

ANSWER: Rick Santorum, of course. Islamic radicals absolutely love gay sex. And who else besides Santorum could possibly care so deeply and passionately about preserving the fabric of our society?

5. “We are very conservative when it comes to family values. We are against the moral decay that we see in the society. But we also cherish a lot of the values that are in America.”

ANSWER: Anwar al-Awlaki, actually. He was a regional commander for al-Qaeda, killed in Yemen by the United States in 2011. Well, I guess all sorts of people have the right to be values-driven.

6. “What kind of country do we live in where only people of non-faith can come in the public square and make their case? That makes me throw up.”

ANSWER: This was actually Santorum, but I think the concept probably could work for plenty of people across the spectrum.

7. “Kicking out the invading crusader forces and the Jews will not only happen by demonstrations and by shouting in the streets. Reform and expulsion of the invaders out of the Muslim land will only be accomplished by fighting for the sake of God.”

ANSWER: Weirdly enough, this was not Santorum. It was actually Ayman al-Zawahiri, the current leader of al-Qaeda. Not a big fan of Jews, it would appear. Loves God though, so maybe there’s room for compromise with Santorum.

8. “All the people who live in the West Bank are Israelis, they’re not Palestinians. There is no ‘Palestinian.’ This is Israeli land.”

ANSWER: Santorum, giving all Palestinians a reality check. Islamic radicals tend to have a slightly different view of things in the West Bank.

9. “The idea that the Crusades and the fight of Christendom against Islam is somehow an aggression on our part is absolutely anti-historical.”

ANSWER: This is a freebie, only because Islamic fundamentalists generally are not simultaneously Christian. Santorum, ostensibly an expert historian, is behind this one.

10. “We seek, with God’s help and guidance, to call upon the people to follow the righteous religion and to urge our umma to be mobilised and prepared to fight.”

ANSWER: The word “umma” gave this one away. This quote belongs to Zawahiri.

11. “The question is — and this is what Barack Obama didn’t want to answer — is that human life a person under the Constitution? And Barack Obama says no. Well if that person — human life is not a person, then — I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say, ‘We’re going to decide who are people and who are not people.’”

ANSWER: This was Santorum, talking about abortion, but also about black people simultaneously.

12. “Watching President Obama apologize last week for America’s arrogance – before a French audience that owes its freedom to the sacrifices of Americans – helped convince me that he has a deep-seated antipathy toward American values and traditions.”

ANSWER: Santorum said this one, making it clear that the president may actually be as bad as Islamic radicals.

13. “Fighting the devil doesn’t require consultation or prayers seeking divine guidance. They are the party of the devils.”

ANSWER: I can’t tell you how much I would have liked this one to be Santorum, but, alas, it is Anwar al-Awlaki.

14. “You do not need to exert great effort or spend a lot of money to make 10 grams of explosives, more or less. Do not spend a long time searching for materials as they already exist in your mother’s kitchen..Make them in the shape of a bomb you hurl, or detonate through a timer or a remote detonator or a martyrdom-seeker belt or any electrical appliance…”

ANSWER: Surprisingly, this was the leader of al-Qaeda’s wing in the Arabian Peninsula, Abu Basir Nasser al-Wahayshi, who included this helpful tidbit an article he whipped together for the e-magazine Sada al-Malahem. Santorum has not yet called for martyrdom. Again, the book tour will probably kick off in a few months, so who knows?

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