News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines

Santorum takes Alabama, Mississippi in latest reminder that God is a raging psychopath

"We've done it again," Santorum announced Wednesday, pointing out that the Lord Jesus Christ had just eaten glass and fired a shotgun in the air to celebrate.

Following a big win in Kansas over the weekend, Rick Santorum scored additional victories in Alabama and Mississippi this week. Rival Mitt Romney, who placed third in both states, responded to the losses today by declaring,“We are even closer to the nomination” (“Santorum Takes 2 Races in South; Romney Is Third,” NYTimes). Romney says the math is in his favor. He has racked up 495 delegates; Santorum holds 252. Gingrich and Paul follow with 131 and 48, respectively (“Republican Delegate Tally,” NYTimes). While it is hard to imagine Santorum will secure the nomination, this clear-cut reality isn’t stopping cable news from pretending that the race is still very much on, as the longer this circus continues, the more stuff there is to talk about; and everyone likes stuff (“Santorum wins hurt Gingrich as GOP race stretches on in both Alabama and Mississippi,” CNN). At the same time, neither Gingrich or Paul are hinting they will be dropping out, as the longer they stay in a race they absolutely can’t win, the more visibility they will gain, and so, naturally, the better their chances of selling books/winning in local elections become. When you have both of these guys, in addition to cable news, jointly pretending that Romney won’t win, there’s really no reason to assume otherwise.

Although he won in both Hawaii and Samoa this week, Romney’s loss in Mississippi and Alabama (which provide 90 delegates in total) is a sign that he continues to lack support among the conservative southern base of the party–many of whom pray to God, who as you know is a big supporter of the Santorum campaign (“Karen Santorum, Rick Santorum’s Wife, Says Campaign Is ‘God’s Will’,” Huffington Post). If you were God (and you might be) you would support Santorum too. You might, however, be a bit confused as to what your stance really is. Santorum says Romney thinks he’s “ordained by God to win,” while Romney says it would take “an act of God,” for him not to secure the nomination (“Romney campaign says losing nomination would take ‘act of God’,” MSNBC). At the same time, of course, Santorum says that God’s law and civil law should be the same (see video below), which is a nice thought. The Taliban would agree, no doubt.

Even the very nice governor of Alabama, Robert Bentley, voted for Santorum (“Santorum gets a vote, but no endorsement, from Alabama governor,” CBS). Of course, the governor simultaneously also said that he hasn’t endorsed anyone and thinks Romney “probably has the best chance of winning the nomination,” (“Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley: Mitt will win nomination,” Politico). Bentley, after all, is the same person who once said that those who are not Christian are not his brothers or sisters, so in general he actually be the best source for information as far as God’s will is concerned (“GOP Governor: Christians Are My Brothers And Sisters, Others Not So Much,” Huffington Post).

Submit your comment

Please enter your name

Your name is required

Please enter a valid email address

An email address is required

Please enter your message

The Daily Autocrat © 2017 All Rights Reserved

Designed by WPSHOWER

Powered by WordPress