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With Hawaii now gay, top 3 honeymoon destinations for bigots

With Hawaii set to be the 16th state to legalize gay marriage, lovestruck bigots looking for a half-decent beach on which to celebrate their heterosexual union without the latent ickiness of homosexuality infringing upon their rights will need to look at other states for potential honeymoons. Thankfully, because God himself is also a bigot, there are still plenty of options

With Hawaii set to be the 15th U.S. state to legalize gay marriage, lovestruck bigots looking for a half-way decent beach on which to christen their as-nature-intended-it heterosexual union without the perennial stench of homosexuality infringing upon their basic rights will now need to look to other states for potential honeymoon spots. Luckily, because God himself is also a simple-minded prick, there are many options.

Hawaii’s senate today gave its approval to a bill granting marriage rights to gay couples, which the governor is expected to sign tomorrow. With the state taking such a reckless step toward alleged marriage equality, hate-mongering, freshly-married heterosexual couples everywhere will need to seek out more anti-gay-marriage-friendly locales. Don’t worry, this country still has plenty!

#3 – Talladega National Forest, Alabama: 392,567 acres of lush flora, towering poplar trees, and diverse wildlife–including “white-tailed deer, wild turkeys, squirrels, bobcats, foxes, river otters, alligators, hawks, owls, quail, [and] doves,”–makes this a go-to destination for any normal couple looking to begin their respectable, God-fearing journey together in the presence of nature’s limitless beauty. Thanks to Amendment 774 to Alabama’s State Constitution–which makes gay marriage illegal–young, mean-spirited lovebirds will be able to fall asleep in each other’s intolerant arms with the knowledge that no homosexual within miles can even begin to realistically contemplate marrying his or her partner within the state any time soon. This is all thanks to the voters of Alabama, of course, who in 2006 approved The Alabama Sanctity of Marriage Act, thus restoring a sense of calm to this charming Southern Appalachian getaway.


Alabama: Enjoy camping, hiking, bird-watching, canoeing, and the total absence of gay marriages and civil-unions in one of the state’s most gorgeous, natural settings.

#2 – Coeur d’Alene, Idaho: The fact that homosexual activity is still very much legal in Idaho shouldn’t discourage spiteful, adventure-seeking couples eager to go off the beaten touristic path and enjoy the breathtaking ruggedness of Idaho’s north. Lakefront Coeur d’Alene (pronounced core-da-lane) has something for anyone who proudly stands firm against those seeking to sully the sanctity of marriage–from water-skiing and golfing to some of the region’s most exquisite dining. Pleasure and relaxation are simply taken to a whole new level here–one filled with lazy, sun-drenched days and cool, romantic evenings between a man and a woman, as the Lord Jesus so intended, and as is enshrouded in Idaho’s constitution, which was amended in 2006 in order to ensure that “a marriage between a man and a woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this state.” The resort town’s crisp, refreshing air–which carries with it the scent of fresh huckleberries–makes for a picturesque escape from everyday life, where homosexuals are too often prone to engage in disgraceful and defiling acts with one another, bringing shame upon their communities and tearing apart society’s moral fabric.


Idaho: As one of 34 U.S. states with some form of official prohibition on gay marriage in place, Idaho offers straight honeymooners idyllic settings for fishing, sub-bathing, hiking, and not being in love with someone of the same sex.

#1 – Glover River, Oklahoma: Now more than ever, opposite-sex Christian couples should be flocking to southeastern Oklahoma–where, as is the case with the rest of the state, gay marriage is banned. Oklahoma’s magnificent Glover River is undoubtedly the place to be. As it has long been unknown even to relative locals, the surrounding area remains unspoiled, boasting rare, picturesque spots for any straight, morally upright man or woman in search of Class I and II whitewater rafting or large-mouth bass. Everything from luxury, all-amenity cottages to smaller, more affordable (and rather austere!) options abound along this 30-something mile long river.

Although water levels sometimes fall to low levels during the summer, and recently homosexuals have been marrying on Native American lands due to an unfortunate legal loophole, most of the year is quite temperate, thanks in part to the steep bluffs on either side of the river that keep the temperature just right for a light swim during which one can take in everything this abundant, untouched landscape has to offer. Unencumbered by dams or water-releases, the land is protected by an amendment to the state constitution banning gay marriage, affirmed in 2012 by a state Senate resolution, and then again in 2013 by a state House of Representatives resolution (passed 84-0), all reaffirming marriage to be strictly between a male and female. Impressive solid rock and gravel shoals, rich greenery, and watercolor-like sunsets make this a place you will simply need to see to believe.


Oklahoma: Although the state’s sodomy law was struck down by a Supreme Court ruling in 2003, intolerant, heterosexual honeymooners can still find some peace and quiet in Oklahoma’s magical southeast.


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