News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines

The Daily Autocrat endorses both Ted Cruz and Donald Trump for a shared Presidency, obviously

These two should just go ahead and share the U.S. presidency. Relax, everything will be fine.

These two will just go ahead and share the U.S. presidency. Everything will be fine.

Make no mistake about it–this publication believes very strongly in democracy, freedom, liberty, the Constitution of the United States, and, of course, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And, really, pretty much any other key American buzzword you can throw at us–except for maybe dessert. We’re not especially big fans of desserts. Better to just order a more substantial entree. Also, the idea of Sunday Funday seems pretty bullshitty.

Given the penchant our editorial team has for unbridled self-determination and unsupervised, do-it-yourself decision-making–to own large capacity assault weapons, for instance, or to donate as much money as you have in your bank account to those running for public office, or to rely on your own very well-regarded, top-notch judgement when making the decision on who should be able to legally marry each other, and who could forget leveraging your robust environmental science knowledge when determining whether or not burning fossil fuels is indeed having an an impact on the planet’s climate–we here at The Daily Autocrat still at the same time place a high premium on having a stern and strong leader driven largely by his desire to be in charge, and, perhaps even more importantly, his visceral hatred for literally every single thing the current president has done–even the most innocuous things which to a sane person might seem quite outside the reach of partisan condemnation.

What we’re saying should be clear: Ted Cruz should be president. But so should Donald Trump. For chrissake, can it be both? Is that allowed? Oh, who cares, let’s allow it. Even and odd days. Yes, that’s how it will happen. And, of course, on Sundays no one will be president because, as you well know, God has long demanded that we all take a breather that day.

The case for Ted Cruz (even days) rests on two major issues. First is his stance on climate change–which he vehemently denies is occurring, instead blaming climate scientists who are “cooking the books” the “same way” Enron execs did–is admirable and defiant. More defiant than admirable, actually, but we think you get the point. Second, he has fought to keep the words “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance–which although some might say is something utterly insane to waste one’s time on, the fact is that Cruz not only did in fact waste his time on it, but has also included it on his campaign website as a reason why he should be president.

The case for Donald J. Trump (odd days) is equally as compelling. Our editorial board agrees that it relies solely on the way he was very slyly able to call Cruz a ‘pussy’ this week. We couldn’t think of another strong reason to elect him, but felt that this reason on its own couldn’t necessarily be called shabby.

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