News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 14-20 Oct 2012

Following a deadly blast in neighboring Lebanon on Friday, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad condemned the bombing as “a terrorist act, perpetrated by a cowardly and inhumane individual. I should say, though, that this person, who ever he is, most likely has a similar face and name as mine and possibly isn’t even very cowardly at all, but actually might be a brilliant guy with a lot of good reasons for the things he is doing, which you would notice if you just took the time to get to know him. He’s probably also devastatingly handsome, but of course one cannot know for sure.”

North Korean leaders have threatened retaliation if South Korean activists follow through with a propaganda campaign that entails dropping leaflets over its northern neighbor. Pyongyang has said, however, that it could be persuaded to reconsider its position if the leaflets were laced with nutrients or soaked in potable water before being dropped into North Korea.

This week, a judge blocked an Arizona law that would have prohibited Medicaid funding for Planned Parenthood. In case you were wondering what sort of psychopath has nothing better to do than to create laws that prevent low-income people from receiving contraception, here’s a clue: she’s rich, white, Republican, hates Mexicans, and should be given the electric chair.

President of Mauritania, Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz, was accidentally shot this week by one of his own soldiers. Dispelling rumors of an attempted coup, the president announced that he harbored no negative feelings toward the soldier, and that he would see to it himself that the soldier was treated with the utmost care before being accidentally tortured and executed by the government.

Barack Obama and Mitt Romney stood around pointing at each other while talking about how they would bring down gas prices–despite the fact that the price of oil is set in the international market–for almost two hours on Tuesday night in the latest reminder that the United States is totally and irreversibly fucked.

President Obama nominated General Joseph Dunford to serve as NATO’s new supreme allied commander. “I am honored to have the opportunity to lead the war in Afghanistan,” Dunford told reporters Thursday. “To be honest, for a while there I was worried that the war was going to end 8 years ago. Then I remembered that this war is endless and that there is no chance in goddamn hell it will ever be over. Ever. I knew that eventually I’d get a chance to have a go at it.”

Iran’s leaders have indicated readiness for one-on-one talks with the United States over the country’s nuclear program. Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has said, however, that since they are going to talk anyway, the conversation should also cover the areas of fashion, arts, and culture. “I am particularly interested in the issue of skinny jeans,” Khamenei explained.

Despite the fact that a war between the two countries would be “pretty damn bad-ass,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that the United States would be dispatching a group of former diplomats to China and Japan this weekend to diffuse tensions over disputed islands in the East China Sea.

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