News For Everyone to Enjoy In Moderation, Under Very Specific Guidelines

WEEK IN AUTOCRACY, 30 Sept – 6 Oct 2012

The pope’s former butler, Pablo Garbriele, was sentenced to 18 months in prison for leaking confidential documents that revealed corruption within the Vatican. In explaining the tough sentencing, chief judge Giuseppe Dalla Torre clarified that shorter sentences were typically reserved for lesser church crimes, like littering and fondling the genitalia of young boys.

Venezuelans prepared to vote

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez told voters this week that there will be a lot to do once he wins reelection on Sunday due to the fact that he will be president for another 50 years and a lot of crazy shit happens in 50 years.

“You’re a gigantic loser, wimp, and pussy,” Mitt Romney informed President Obama Wednesday night before walking over to the president’s podium and urinating all over his shoes.

Artur Mas, leader of Catalonia, warned that Spain could soon give birth to a smaller, slightly-less economically shitty version of itself.

Although it was quite a mouthful and not really catchy at all, this week Chinese protesters continued their chanting of “We really want  those tiny islands that  have clearly been owned by the Japanese since 1895.”

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